Krewe of Dystopian Paradise

ANCHOR DESK

LINDA:

Good evening, citizens of Dystopia. Linda Locks here. We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news. Following a prolonged absence after his most recent miscalculation, Supreme Leader Fat Uncle has re-emerged into public view - refreshed, rebranded, and coated entirely in pink.

As you'll recall, Fat Uncle vanished after the sudden sentience of certain garden vegetables and the problematic handling of a hyper intelligent cyborg bull inspired one of the largest and most raucous rebellions to date. The bizarre events unfolded after a powerful spray of nuclear Hellfire settled on a small farm in the capital region. Chaos ensued.

Fat Uncle, famously distrustful of produce, disappeared.

Until now.

Sources confirm Fat Uncle was spotted last week holding hands with none other than Rosina Leckermaul, also known as The Gingerbread Hag, infamous witch of the historical Hansel and Gretel Incident and current thought leader in alternative energy.

The two reportedly met at the World Economic Fudge-rum, an annual gathering of billionaires, despots, influencers, and ethically flexible visionaries held in the Candy Alps.

My colleague Chad Colostrum has more.

CHAD:

That's right, Linda. Witnesses say Leckermaul captivated attendees with her keynote proposal on Pink Energy™: a fully renewable, sugar-based power source harvested through community participation, joy distillation, and quote "super fresh dance moves".

Pink Energy has already been hailed as the sweetest authoritarian innovation of the decade. Fat Uncle - long known for his fondness for older women, empty calories, and unchecked power - was reportedly "giggling uncontrollably" during the presentation.

Leckermaul, who claims to have been child-sober for several centuries now, insists her gingerbread collective has moved beyond outdated practices like ovens and cages, instead focusing on scalable enchantment, branding, and military alignment.

Back to you Linda:

LINDA:

Thank you Chad. Since the summit, Fat Uncle has diverted massive resources into the confectionery sector. Several members of the Gingerbread community have been fast-tracked into top military positions, including:

• General Bubbliosa of the Bubblegum Brigade

• Colonel Cake, overseeing morale and frosting logistics

• The Gingerbread ComMANdo, elite operatives trained in stealth, spice, and structural collapse

• And the newly unveiled Sprinkle Cupcake Cavalry, now deployed nationwide

Many questions remain. Is Fat Uncle reclaiming power through sugar-coated populism? Or is the Gingerbread Hag using him to seize control of Dystopia's military and energy infrastructure?

Hard to say, but one thing is clear: fascism has never tasted so good.